Bex,

I was just doing what I usually do at the end of everyday - going through emails I had yet to read or reply to - when I realized that I needed to send something to dad. And I realized, after I uploaded the attachment and was about to write out the rest of the email, that I don't call him dad to anyone except you. I know how completely random this is, but now that those thoughts are in my head, I'm a lot more awake than any person should be after midnight - especially when they didn't get home from work until almost midnight to begin with. Because I know why I don't call him dad when I'm talking to him, and I know why I don't when my mom is around, and I even know why it's not something I'm super comfortable with to begin with.

But, even after I acknowledged all of those things, it still left me a little puzzled as to why I'm able to call him that at all. Which I suppose is kind of ridiculous, because after a little more thought, I have a working theory that I'm pretty sure is about as close to the reason why as I could possibly get right now. And that should have been the end of that. It really should have been. Except I then got to wondering whether or not he takes offense when I call him Robert, despite the many times he's insisted I not do that. Something about respect, and how he's still my father, but for most of my life, that was nothing more than an unfortunate part of my biology. And maybe, by now, I should have gotten over all of that. Except I haven't.

I want to say that it's not for lack of trying, and maybe that's at least a little bit true. But I also know that my trying has been half-assed and half-hearted, at best. Except for when the twins are involved, because they don't deserve to suffer for mistakes made long before they were ever born. And, for his part, dad really is a great grandfather. Giving. Loving. Attentive. Present. More so than he ever was for me. I know, I know. It wasn't his decision, at least not entirely, and my mom was the one who didn't want him around. She had a valid reason for that, though, and even if I should, maybe, be a little upset with her for being at least part of the reason why there's still this chasm between him and I, there's no way I can do that.

Not that any of this should matter at this time of the night, because I really should be sleeping. Or at least trying to sleep. So I think I'm going to do that now that I feel slightly better having just gotten all of this out of my head. I'm sure it's not a topic you enjoy talking about very much, so I apologize for laying it all on you like thiss. On a happier note, summer is right around the proverbial corner and I'd like to plan a group/family vacation. Let me know if you're in and we can discuss the details when you write back or the next time you call. Your niece and nephew miss you almost as much as Holly and I do. I hope everything is well in your part of the world, wherever that might be right now, and hope to see/speak to you soon. Very soon.

Love you,
B